Recommended Reads | By Duncan Haughey | Read time minutes
Top 10 Signs You're a Project Manager
- Becoming tired of having a social life beyond work.
- Spending hours planning and re-planning a Friday night out.
- Thinking Rommel would have been more effective if he'd used a Gantt chart.
- Using so much jargon customers think you're speaking a foreign language.
- Organising your life into milestones.
- Setting time-based tasks for your family at weekends.
- Buying a personal copy of Microsoft Project for use at home.
- Giving regular status reports to your other half while doing the decorating.
- Creating a Gantt chart to plan your holidays.
- Referring to food at dinner parties as "deliverables."
Top 10 Things a Project Manager Should Never Say to a Customer
- If you're as confused as I am then you know as much as I do.
- Don't worry it's easier than it looks.
- I'm not sure what happened; it worked last time.
- Implementation? We'll worry about that when we get to it.
- The problem is we have too much work for too few people.
- My last project was a complete disaster.
- We can deliver much earlier than you're asking for.
- We'll definitely come in under budget.
- Are you stupid or what?
- Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear From a Project Manager
- I didn't see that risk coming!
- This whole project is based on a case study I read in the paper last week.
- I'm not sure this project is going to deliver any benefits.
- The project is running well ahead of schedule.
- I think we'll miss that milestone by quite a long way.
- We're charging you far too much to run this project.
- There's far more budget and time than is needed.
- I didn't actually have a plan; I was playing it by ear.
- I can't take credit for that success.
- How about paying us based on the success of the project?
You Know It Is Time to Get Out of Project Management When…
- You refer to your other half as the budget holder.
- Your personal life is planned to the end degree.
- You write a Project Brief for your next holiday.
- Safe sex involves a risk log and contingency plan.
- You organise your family into a more efficient team based structure.
- The "deliverables" for Saturday are the shopping and washing.
- You mitigate the risk of your in-laws visiting.
- Finding yourself explaining what Gantt, PERT and CPM diagrams are to people down the pub.
- You enjoy reading the Project Management Body of Knowledge in bed.
A project manager, a software developer, and a hardware engineer are in Brighton for three weeks helping out on a project.
About midweek, they decide to take a lunchtime walk up and down the beach. Halfway up the beach, they come across a lamp. As they rub the lamp, a genie appears and says,
I will grant each of you one wish.
The hardware engineer says,
I want to spend the rest of my life living in a huge mansion with no money worries. The genie grants his wish.
The software developer says,
I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a yacht cruising the Caribbean with no money worries. The genie grants his wish.
Then it is the project manager's turn.
And what would your wish be? Asked the genie.
I want them both back after lunch replies the project manager.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
I'll have a C monkey, please. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and lead, handed it to the customer, saying,
That'll be £5,000.
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much? The shopkeeper answered,
Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage.
Hey, that one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?
Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper,
That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?
The shopkeeper replies,
Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager.